Changes

Wow... been a long time since I was here. wow.

Well there have been changes! Not that I expect anyone to see my blog here or follow me anymore, since it's been so long since I've been here. But here are what's been going on:

I quit my full time job of 21 years to be home with my son more.

I took a part time job at the local scrapbook store. Just enough pay to make ends meet, but mostly because I want to be more of a scrapbook artist/designer and Scrapaganza is where it's at!

I am happy with my new life, it's fantastic not working at that other job, that I really did not like being at. Still learning how to cope with less money but I'd rather be doing that than unhappy.

We'll see if I can keep up with this blog more.

Barely there

Ah... my old blog, how I have neglected thee.

It's not like I am really that busy. There's only a couple things going on in my life.
Work
Kid
Scrapbooking

I don't seem to do much else.

Not that I mind. Of course, I'd prefer to be financially independent and not need to work. But I love the kid that takes up most of my time. And scrapbooking is my newest creative outlet, since september last year. I miss dancing since I decided to take a break from it. But that was my choice. I'm going to go back to the first troupe I started and dance a little with them.

So what is the real reason I haven't posted? Probably mostly that I am in the midst of the longest depression I've ever been in. It started with PPD after my son was born. I remember that going away and I thought I was done but not really... the feel of the depression changed, but it didn't go away. I have finally admitted it, and finally admitted that I may not get out of it on my own.

In a week and a half I have an appointment with the dr to discuss options and if meds would be the way to go. I'm hoping she'll offer an option that I don't have to be on permanently.... something to get me off the depression long enough to make some new habits like exercise, proper eating... things that can prevent depression... things I am too depressed to do now, as I've tried repeatedly and can't seem to stick with them.

I'm also going to visit a therapist using the insurance benefit that gets me free visits, as we can't afford the paid therapist.

It was hard enough to admit the depression. I never wanted to do meds and making the decision to accept them if the dr thinks they are needed has really made me feel like a hypocrit and mad at myself. But I feel powerless and and unable to cope or pull myself out of the apathy and occasional despair.

The high points are my son, and my moments of creativity. Is it bad that it's not enough to sustain me?

A large source of sadness is my marraige. I don't know what I'm doing wrong there. We'll probably get counseling for our marraige but there's no guarantee we'll fix our issues. It makes me very sad that our relationship isn't thriving.

Well, I'll try to keep this up. Not that I am likely to have any readers left. ;)

Dia de los Muertos

Happy Samhain! Happy Days of the Dead!

Though I always celebrate Samhain, the past few years my friends and I have been drifting the Dia de los Muertos direction. The similarities between the two holidays is uncanny, and my friends and I are totally embracing the imagery of the mexican holiday. We love the funky fun skeletons dressed in fancy clothes and doing daily things; the papel picado... tissue paper cut like paper snowflakes only with images of skulls and flowers; sugar skulls decorated all fancy like cakes, and altars covered in pictures of beloved family and friends who have passed on, but are not forgotten. Instead they are celebrated. Their lives are celebrated, their deaths are celebrated, because they have moved on to a better place, and the cycle of life continues with their passing. Because I was intrigued by the holiday since my friends had brought it into my life, I did a little research on it this year. The actual day of it is November 1st (my son's birthday, which was another reason I wanted to learn more about it) but usually the preparations begin much sooner, and sometimes celebrations actually begin on October 31 and continue through November 2. When we gathered friday night, we were setting up our Dia de los Muertos altar and talking about the sugar skulls on it (my friends Tina and Cat had been making sugar skulls since August!!! I have to take pictures of the ones I got.. the picture here are not the ones Tina made), someone asked about the small skulls at the top. Karen said that those were there for the angel babies, her daughter-in-law had lost a baby to miscarriage, and Karen had lost a twin brother in-utero. My other friend Cassie is so observant... she must have seen something on my face, and asked did I need a little skull there too. I did, so I picked one out and put it up there. Karen went on to say that when celebrating Dia de los Muertos, angel babies are given highest priority, they are always celebrated first, even given a whole day of celebration before the rest of the dead are celebrated. And they hold the highest place of honor on the altar. That felt good to know... and it made me wonder if some mamas who'd lost their little angels would feel better if they too celebrated Dia de los Muertos. Society wants us to forget our dead, forget our lost babies or at least.. keep it quiet because no one wants to talk about death or your lost baby. But Dia de los Muertos isn't about remembering our lost loved ones with sorrow, it's about remembering them with joy for the time they were with us, about releasing the remaining sorrow by celebrating, by inviting them to celebrate with us for a short time each year.

So, this year I celebrated my loved family and friends who have passed on:

my angel baby, who passed from my life so quickly, but whom I loved from the moment I saw that positive test

My Grandpa Fry - the first family member who passed on that affected me, because I loved him so much. He never had a negative thing to say about anyone, and accepted everyone as a child of God, regardless of gender or skin color.

My Grandma Fry - Who could make me laugh so hard that tears would run down my face, and whose frugality is still a lesson I try to learn.

My Aunt Deloris - who passed on almost one year ago. She would give and give, never expecting anything in return and if she loved you, she loved you unconditionally. Her lesson to me is that there is NOTHING you can't do, if you really want to do it. She never got past 8th grade, and the only reason she made it that far is her last year of school they brought in a special ed teacher, the first ever in that part of the state. Yet, this woman, who kept a dictionary handy every time she read anything so that she could understand it, managed to travel to several countries (some of them more than once) and had wonderful adventures that the average person only wishes they could have.

My Grandma Dee - She was the rock on my paternal side. She made the peace, kept the seas calm, and she never judged. I recently learned that there was much more to her than I ever knew, and had I ever had a baby girl, I was going to name her after Grandma Dora (we called her Dee)

Grandpa Donner - He had his flaws, but he also had his good side. He raised my dad and my uncles, all good men. For that I am thankful.

And good friends who have passed:
Ron - He's the one I wished was an uncle. He had SO MUCH wisdom, and you just kind of absorbed from him through osmosis, because he wasn't into lectures. He was also great fun, and we looked up to him as a role model.

Cindy - I had some great adventures with Cindy! Because of her, I began to come out of my shell and do things. She wasn't particularly outgoing or anything, but I got to be an adventurous geek because of her, and met all kinds of interesting people like, George Takai who sang a love song to Cindy; Walter Koenig, whom Cindy and a few others of us got to drive around town when he was here; Majel Barrett, Michael Dorn, James Doohan and so many others. I wish I had taken more pictures of all of us.

And I celebrate all my unnamed ancestors whose lives shaped those of us who followed.

Happy Dia de los Muertos!

hello from Babelistan

Not much going on. I made a goddess. Isn't she pretty? In spite of the red, she is calming to me.

Today I watched Daughters of Afghanistan. I checked out the dvd from my public library. It's aimed at middle/high school students, so there's nothing graphic in it. But it is still very sad, and I cried in a few spots. It reminded me of the movie "Osama" which is NOT about bin Laden, but about a young girl who is disguised by her widowed mother as a boy, so that she can get a job, so they won't starve to death. "Osama" is the first movie produced by Afghani film-making since the fall of the Taliban, and it paints a pretty horrid picture of what life was like under the Taliban. In fact, I had watched it while I was pregnant, which was a big mistake. Not something I recommend doing.... I actually own a burqa, a real one from Afghanistan. I had the opportunity to request that someone stationed there bring me something, and I asked for a burqa. I suspect he thought I was nuts. But I have since used it as an educational tool when I've done dance demos for school age kids. Funny thing... I can't get the burqa on my head. Even most of the petite ladies I know can't get it on their heads. It's an adult woman's burqa but it's too small for most american women... what does that say? that people are so undernourished there that they can't even grow as big as us? Most people who put it on feel claustrophobic in it. By the way, that guy also sent a couple other things, which was very nice, a couple hats that can be used for fun costuming.

Then, ironically, I watched an Elvis flick, "Harem Scarem". I'm not a huge fan of Elvis, but this was on some "belly dancer's list of campy flicks to watch with fake belly dancers in it", so I watched it. OMG, the sets reminded me of classic Star Trek sets... I fully expected to see some familiar set that was missing my favorite ripped-shirted captain, but no... no Kirk or Spock sets. I did watch the flick too close to the Afghanistan movie though. For the first 15 minutes of the film I kept thinking to myself "if this were for real, that woman would have been stoned" or similar. It was definitely a campy B film, had a lot of dumb racist stuff. Elvis was a crappy actor in it... is he a crappy actor in general? or was he just not feeling this movie specifically? Oh, and the creepy scene where he sung to the 9 year old girl (who was a better "belly dancer" than the women who were supposed to be the dancers) smacked of pedophilia and he would definitely not have gotten away with something like that today. Otherwise... I actually laughed a couple times in the movie... probably not as intended, but just because it was so silly. Oh, and the costumes also reminded me of Star Trek. Campy but fun. Totally inaccurate for the middle east of ANY time... in fact, most of the stuff the women wore looked like it was based on costumes from India. But that's okay, as I recall, none of the Elvis flicks were intended to be taken seriously?

I've been sick today, which is why I've been watching dvds. I also watched the Wiggles twice and a Thomas the Train dvd 4 times. (while Kevin was home and up). I was so done with the Choo Choo vid that I made Kevin watch a boring belly dance workout video, which I did not attempt to do the workout, though I did a few arm things which Kevin thought was hilarious, and tried to copy. He also showed me he knows how to do Downward Dog... His sitter does yoga, so I am wondering if she sometimes does yoga while the boys are up. Speaking of his mimicing... He also knows almost all of the stuff on Wiggle Time... he does all the animal sounds and gestures, hops and stomps... it's not perfect but he does the stuff with the video and it's so dang cute. I need to teach him some dance stuff. :)

Garden

I have a plan for my yard. I decided to create a separate blog for it though.

Go here http://dancingarden.blogspot.com/ if you are interested in it. :)

Busy busy

Technically I've really only been busy with Kevin most of the time. ;) Not doing anything super exciting. LOL

Most weekends I (and usually James) take Kevin to the Family Museum. It's a nice big place for him to run, and there are things he loves to play with there. Come Fall, we'll be buying a membership so that it doesn't cost us to get in every time.

At least one day on the weekend, I work out in the yard. I'm going to start a blog just for my gardening experience.

I had a bunch of stones out to charge under the full moon. I have a purpose for them, and plan to photograph the stages of what I'm going to do with them and post here. If I can find the stuff I bought to use. I hate when I lose things. :P

What the Bleep!

I finally FINALLY watched What the Bleep Do We Know?!. It had been recommended to me ages ago, and I never got around to getting it, whether renting or borrowing from the friend who recommended it.

It is my new favorite documentary. I've watched it twice so far. I L.O.V.E. this film. I am ordering the expanded version, Down the Rabbit Hole, off amazon. Everyone MUST see this film...

And the funny thing is... it is basically explaining what my coven and I have been teaching in our Wicca classes and to each other since I joined the coven (in '94) and long before I came along. I don't know about other people's Wicca except what I've learned directly from other witches I've worked with, but really, magic and prayer (in my opinion) are really just quantum physics.

I am really looking forward to getting the expanded version.

I wonder if I can get J to watch it... and GET it. I've been trying to explain some of these concepts to him and he just doesn't GET it. I wonder if it's just because it's me... or if he really doesn't want to GET IT... doesn't want to accept responsibility for his reality.

On saturday, when Kevin and I were out and about. I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, and saw on the corner a guy holding a pole with 3 signs, all the same sign... advertising some going-out-of-business sale (the sale has been going on for a month). He was just standing on this corner, holding this pole of signs. It was almost 90 degress out and the sun was beating down on this poor guy. It probably felt like 95 with all that concrete around. He was probably just some poor schmuck who got laid off, and "lucky" break for him, he got picked that morning at the LaborReady temp office to work that corner. He looked like a decent guy. Hot and sweating and his tanned skin turning red with a burn. It only took me a moment to decide to try to get in the other lane so I could swing around, making a stop at the kwik shop a block away so I could get him a bottle or two of cold water. Just as I had started to figure out how to change lanes at the stop light, someone else pulled up next to him and gave him a bottle of cold water. Stellar!!! I got a lump in my throat, because I wasn't the only one that felt for him. It gave me a little hope for the world, and I drove on saying a blessing for those folks in that car and a hope that the guy on that corner has a turn around on his luck so he doesn't have to stand on that corner again.