Memory...

I love journal prompts. haha... so here's one. Describe a childhood memory in detail.

I was probably 12 yrs old. My mom was dating her soon-to-be 3rd husband. He had 3 kids of his own, 2 girls, one 12, the other 15 and a boy who was 9. We went to their townhouse at this huge apartment complex frequently, often spending the weekends there or whatever. So this one time, well into winter, I was out with the two girls walking along this big creek that goes through most of our city and it bordered the back of the apartment complex. The creek was frozen over, so we were walking on it. I think we were walking there because the oldest girl wanted to find a place to smoke. And I think they were testing me. They frequently spoke in pig latin (which, sheltered as I was, I'd never heard of) or otherwise did things to make sure I would not tattle on them. But this time I think they were testing me to see if I would tattle. I wouldn't have, as I was so desperate for acceptance back then. Anyway, Cara, the girl that was my age, was talking about trying out for track as she was a good runner. As usually happened, our conversation went the usual way, how I was not good at much of anything and how good these girls were... Cara was athletic, Terry was beautiful (so was Cara actually, but she wasn't interested in boys yet). Michele was neither athletic or pretty... just a boring nerd. I was trying to shrug it all off as I knew that indeed I wasn't athletic or very pretty, but you know that stuff really does hurt when you are a kid.

So we'd walked a long way on this creek, finally Terry decided that we'd get off the creek and park ourselves behind this shed in this one yard. No particular reason for choosing this yard... I think Terry was just tired of walking. We got maybe half dozen steps into this yard, when this guy bursts out the back door holding a shotgun!!! He starts shouting about trespassers, but I didn't hear much of what he said, because I'm already gone! One glimpse of that gun and I was history. The next thing I remember is Terry and Cara shouting for me to SLOW DOWN and their voices are far in the distance behind me. I am nearly back to the townhouse, and I slow down and look behind me, and the two of them are way way back there, running to catch up. Well, I slow down but I'm not quite willing to stop, so I keep jogging till I'm in the parking lot, then I finally stop and wait. When the two of them finally reach me, they are puffing and barely able to run. I'm only breathing hard a little bit. Obviously adrenaline gave me a lot more than I'd have had without the boost. lol... Anyway, the two of them look at me in awe, and Cara says; "are you sure you don't want to try out for track?". I laugh weakly and say "I don't think I could do it unless someone is behind me with a gun." We all laugh and head back to the house. But after that, Terry would tell that story about how I left them in the dust, after we'd just been talking about how fast Cara could run... but I not only outran them, I practically melted the creek, running so fast. I've never been able to repeat that speed, but then again, I've never had the incentive.

I don't know if that was a turning point in my relationship with Terry and Cara. They started including me in more stuff, and of course I never tattled. Eventually I started doing stuff with them, stuff I regret now. But the dynamic of our relationship never changed. There was always this sense that they were better than me because they were cooler, and I was just a square. No matter what escapades I got into, I could never be cool enough. But, Terry had multiple abortions before she finally carried a baby to term when she was 17. Cara got pregnant at 14 and had the baby just after she turned 15. That was when I realized that their lifestyle was not for me, and I started changing my ways. By the time I was 16 I realized that it didn't matter to me if I was "cool" or not... I did not want to be the druggie tramp that Terry was (she let the paternal grandparents take the baby, which was a good thing since she became more of a druggie), or the manipulative beyotch that Cara was becoming.

I don't think that I was ever better than them. I have made lots of mistakes in my life since my teen years... but I think I made some RIGHT choices, compared to them. I never got pregnant as a teen and didn't have to face that terrible choice of keeping or terminating the pregnancy. I never let drugs control my life. I didn't put my selfish needs ahead of everything else including a child. Last I saw Terry, she was barely able to work, so much of a druggie was she. Cara went through boys one after another, and shortly after graduation I heard she got shot in the shoulder by the man she was living with at the time. I joined the military, but got kicked out for getting fat (I allowed that though as I wanted out... that's a story for another time). When I came back, I got jobs that I held down for a long time. So I'm not necessarily better, I just made better choices. And I think it's because I was a square, and they were "cool".

Or maybe I'm just full of it. LOL

List the ways...

Until blogs, I never was able to keep any sort of journal. I never knew what to write. The whole "dear diary" thing made me feel silly... yet I really do think that journaling or blogging or whatever has some real value on a personal level. Anyway, some years ago, after the umpteenth attempt to journal, I bought a book called "List Your Self" as an attempt to find topics to write about in that failed journal. I decided to pull out that book again, because it's a toughie. Some of the lists make me work hard to remember things, others dig deep and make you really think. So, today I'm going to do a list.

List the ways you sabotage yourself from getting what you want.

1. I don't believe I deserve getting what I want.
2. I don't feel like I have the ability/skill to get what I want.
3. If I get what I want, I'll just lose it anyway.
4. Someone else needs it more than me.
5. if I get what I want, will I really be happy?

Yeah, I think that covers most of it. I'm pretty good at sabotaging myself. Have a lot of practice.

I don't want to do it anymore. So I'm putting this message out to the Universe:

I deserve to get what I want. I have the ability and skill. I know that I will value getting what I want and I won't lose it. I know that there's enough to go around so I can have what I want as much as the other person who needs it. Sabotaging myself leaves me unhappy, so if I get what I want, I will be happier than I am now, which is all that matters.