Barely there

Ah... my old blog, how I have neglected thee.

It's not like I am really that busy. There's only a couple things going on in my life.
Work
Kid
Scrapbooking

I don't seem to do much else.

Not that I mind. Of course, I'd prefer to be financially independent and not need to work. But I love the kid that takes up most of my time. And scrapbooking is my newest creative outlet, since september last year. I miss dancing since I decided to take a break from it. But that was my choice. I'm going to go back to the first troupe I started and dance a little with them.

So what is the real reason I haven't posted? Probably mostly that I am in the midst of the longest depression I've ever been in. It started with PPD after my son was born. I remember that going away and I thought I was done but not really... the feel of the depression changed, but it didn't go away. I have finally admitted it, and finally admitted that I may not get out of it on my own.

In a week and a half I have an appointment with the dr to discuss options and if meds would be the way to go. I'm hoping she'll offer an option that I don't have to be on permanently.... something to get me off the depression long enough to make some new habits like exercise, proper eating... things that can prevent depression... things I am too depressed to do now, as I've tried repeatedly and can't seem to stick with them.

I'm also going to visit a therapist using the insurance benefit that gets me free visits, as we can't afford the paid therapist.

It was hard enough to admit the depression. I never wanted to do meds and making the decision to accept them if the dr thinks they are needed has really made me feel like a hypocrit and mad at myself. But I feel powerless and and unable to cope or pull myself out of the apathy and occasional despair.

The high points are my son, and my moments of creativity. Is it bad that it's not enough to sustain me?

A large source of sadness is my marraige. I don't know what I'm doing wrong there. We'll probably get counseling for our marraige but there's no guarantee we'll fix our issues. It makes me very sad that our relationship isn't thriving.

Well, I'll try to keep this up. Not that I am likely to have any readers left. ;)