who are you and what did you do with my coworker?

A totally surreal moment today. The coworker that has been so hostile lately? Well, she comes to my desk and asks me if I have a moment, she wants to talk to me in private. So in my head, I'm thinking "shit... what did I do to make her mad at me..." and off we go to one of the small conference rooms.

So what did she want to talk to me about? Her first question, "Michele, can I ask why you didn't apply for my position?" well, the posting listed qualifications that I could not meet... they'd have never even let me test for it. Her next: "Do you want to move up to a better position?" Um. YEAH. I don't dig working reception. "Well you know Jane's position will open up soon, have you thought of applying for it?" (Jane, a fake name, is the gal who is taking my coworker's place and whose job I have already mentioned wanting to apply for).

She proceeds to tell me that she thinks I would be excellent for Jane's job, because basically it entails doing a lot of what I already do, but that I would be doing a bit more complicated stuff. That she's willing to help me out any way she can so that I can get the position. (huh WHAT?) We have a pleasant little discussion and then go back to work. A little bit later she gives me a book and shows me the parts to read that will help me, probably with parts of the test I will have to take. (sigh... nothing like HUD documents for light reading)

I am really appreciative of her help. And I will certainly take it. It's ironic that she's the one giving me the documents that I've asked for in the past (I've been wanting to study some of this stuff in the hopes of getting a promotional opportunity) and the other woman who I consider a friend has not offered these documents when I asked her for stuff to help me learn about our HUD policies.

Well anyway. If I ever stop being so friggin busy at work, I might get to do that exciting reading. I tried to find a titillating picture of the handbook I am going to read, but dang, the HUD website has no pictures of it's publications. dang. Oh well, you guys can just be jealous of me without the pic. :P

The problem with...

... Netflix is that you have to WAIT FOR THE NEXT FRIGGIN DVD!!!

I just watched the first disc of Lost, season 1. FUCK. I am SO hooked and I won't be getting the next disk for at least 2 days. I'm almost tempted to up our subscription a disk or two so I can have more of them on hand at one time.

How the fuck do people watch these shows on TV? I could not stand waiting a week for ONE episode. I guess I'm spoiled now, but I just cannot watch shows on TV anymore... I hate missing one (which I frequently do) and I hate losing track. So I just wait till they come out on DVD and netflix them. I wish I could afford to buy them.

Well, this is kind of a lame topic to whine about. LOL. But hey, even if I get the disk on weds I will have to wait till thursday to watch it. So yeah... sorry if you watch them on tv and waited a week... but I just can't wait that long.

Memory...

I love journal prompts. haha... so here's one. Describe a childhood memory in detail.

I was probably 12 yrs old. My mom was dating her soon-to-be 3rd husband. He had 3 kids of his own, 2 girls, one 12, the other 15 and a boy who was 9. We went to their townhouse at this huge apartment complex frequently, often spending the weekends there or whatever. So this one time, well into winter, I was out with the two girls walking along this big creek that goes through most of our city and it bordered the back of the apartment complex. The creek was frozen over, so we were walking on it. I think we were walking there because the oldest girl wanted to find a place to smoke. And I think they were testing me. They frequently spoke in pig latin (which, sheltered as I was, I'd never heard of) or otherwise did things to make sure I would not tattle on them. But this time I think they were testing me to see if I would tattle. I wouldn't have, as I was so desperate for acceptance back then. Anyway, Cara, the girl that was my age, was talking about trying out for track as she was a good runner. As usually happened, our conversation went the usual way, how I was not good at much of anything and how good these girls were... Cara was athletic, Terry was beautiful (so was Cara actually, but she wasn't interested in boys yet). Michele was neither athletic or pretty... just a boring nerd. I was trying to shrug it all off as I knew that indeed I wasn't athletic or very pretty, but you know that stuff really does hurt when you are a kid.

So we'd walked a long way on this creek, finally Terry decided that we'd get off the creek and park ourselves behind this shed in this one yard. No particular reason for choosing this yard... I think Terry was just tired of walking. We got maybe half dozen steps into this yard, when this guy bursts out the back door holding a shotgun!!! He starts shouting about trespassers, but I didn't hear much of what he said, because I'm already gone! One glimpse of that gun and I was history. The next thing I remember is Terry and Cara shouting for me to SLOW DOWN and their voices are far in the distance behind me. I am nearly back to the townhouse, and I slow down and look behind me, and the two of them are way way back there, running to catch up. Well, I slow down but I'm not quite willing to stop, so I keep jogging till I'm in the parking lot, then I finally stop and wait. When the two of them finally reach me, they are puffing and barely able to run. I'm only breathing hard a little bit. Obviously adrenaline gave me a lot more than I'd have had without the boost. lol... Anyway, the two of them look at me in awe, and Cara says; "are you sure you don't want to try out for track?". I laugh weakly and say "I don't think I could do it unless someone is behind me with a gun." We all laugh and head back to the house. But after that, Terry would tell that story about how I left them in the dust, after we'd just been talking about how fast Cara could run... but I not only outran them, I practically melted the creek, running so fast. I've never been able to repeat that speed, but then again, I've never had the incentive.

I don't know if that was a turning point in my relationship with Terry and Cara. They started including me in more stuff, and of course I never tattled. Eventually I started doing stuff with them, stuff I regret now. But the dynamic of our relationship never changed. There was always this sense that they were better than me because they were cooler, and I was just a square. No matter what escapades I got into, I could never be cool enough. But, Terry had multiple abortions before she finally carried a baby to term when she was 17. Cara got pregnant at 14 and had the baby just after she turned 15. That was when I realized that their lifestyle was not for me, and I started changing my ways. By the time I was 16 I realized that it didn't matter to me if I was "cool" or not... I did not want to be the druggie tramp that Terry was (she let the paternal grandparents take the baby, which was a good thing since she became more of a druggie), or the manipulative beyotch that Cara was becoming.

I don't think that I was ever better than them. I have made lots of mistakes in my life since my teen years... but I think I made some RIGHT choices, compared to them. I never got pregnant as a teen and didn't have to face that terrible choice of keeping or terminating the pregnancy. I never let drugs control my life. I didn't put my selfish needs ahead of everything else including a child. Last I saw Terry, she was barely able to work, so much of a druggie was she. Cara went through boys one after another, and shortly after graduation I heard she got shot in the shoulder by the man she was living with at the time. I joined the military, but got kicked out for getting fat (I allowed that though as I wanted out... that's a story for another time). When I came back, I got jobs that I held down for a long time. So I'm not necessarily better, I just made better choices. And I think it's because I was a square, and they were "cool".

Or maybe I'm just full of it. LOL

List the ways...

Until blogs, I never was able to keep any sort of journal. I never knew what to write. The whole "dear diary" thing made me feel silly... yet I really do think that journaling or blogging or whatever has some real value on a personal level. Anyway, some years ago, after the umpteenth attempt to journal, I bought a book called "List Your Self" as an attempt to find topics to write about in that failed journal. I decided to pull out that book again, because it's a toughie. Some of the lists make me work hard to remember things, others dig deep and make you really think. So, today I'm going to do a list.

List the ways you sabotage yourself from getting what you want.

1. I don't believe I deserve getting what I want.
2. I don't feel like I have the ability/skill to get what I want.
3. If I get what I want, I'll just lose it anyway.
4. Someone else needs it more than me.
5. if I get what I want, will I really be happy?

Yeah, I think that covers most of it. I'm pretty good at sabotaging myself. Have a lot of practice.

I don't want to do it anymore. So I'm putting this message out to the Universe:

I deserve to get what I want. I have the ability and skill. I know that I will value getting what I want and I won't lose it. I know that there's enough to go around so I can have what I want as much as the other person who needs it. Sabotaging myself leaves me unhappy, so if I get what I want, I will be happier than I am now, which is all that matters.

ch-ch-ch-CHANGES ~\o

sigh... we have a new director. She's cool. She was told to make changes in our department. Not a bad thing, really. There's some stagnation going on, and we could probably use some shaking up.

The bad thing for me is that she is doing a re-org, which will end up putting me under the supervision of someone else. And having me work closely with someone else... close enough that she'll probably have power to give me directions and stuff. These two people have, in the past, been my least favorite people.

The director wants us to be happy and productive in our jobs. I'm afraid that I will be more stressed out and less happy. But then my paranoid side wonders if OTHER people would be glad if I am stressed and unhappy... there's a lot going on there. I have almost 19 yrs in.... I'm hoping I can survive till my 20 yr anniversary.

One possibility... and I'm not pinning too much hope on it yet.. but with that one lady retiring, another person has been internally promoted to her position... leaving another position open. I am hoping I can qualify to apply for it, and move out of this particular office. And get a pay raise. That would be sweet.

why burn the bridge?

One of my co-workers is retiring at the end of march after working for the city forever. From all that she's said, she hates working for the city as much as I hate working away from home. But our jobs are about helping people, that's what we do. We get people the help they need to fix their home. For many people, we are their last, best hope... without us, their house gets condemned and they are on the street and the city has another vacant pile of a crappy eyesore.

Yet this co-worker... as her end day approaches she becomes more and more hostile. She is actively resisting and sabotaging another co-worker's attempt to learn her duties so that the next person can get trained. Every attempt we make to streamline stuff so that when we take over her duties (actually, we've already taken over at least 60% of her job just because she won't do it all anymore) we will have an easier time of it, she walks up to one of us and chews us out for doing it wrong... only to come back a few hours later to tell us oh, maybe we were doing it right after all... but SHE wouldn't do it the way we decided to.

But the worst thing is that she's doing a flurry of nasty "right to cure default" letters to people who are only 2 or 3 payments behind. Now, these letters are the last step before foreclosure. It has not been our policy to pursue foreclosure FIRST. Our policy was always to try to work with the client to find a way to get them caught up instead of foreclose on them. But her letters to them have been downright nasty, on top of the fact that she sent some of these letters to people who had already had a deal worked out!

Dude. I know you are retiring. I know you haven't liked your job. (though personally I can't understand why it's so bad, she hasn't done much work in the past few years, mostly surfing the net). But do you have to be so belligerant to the rest of us and to the clients? March 29 can't come too fast.

Our city is out of salt. Public works claims some is on order and they expect it any day. Believe it when I see it. Apparently the midwest has some sort of salt shortage too. By the way, our city is on the river. As in, river VALLEY. Half the city is in the valley, the other half is up the hill. A pretty big hill. Just because I work for the city does not mean I think it's all that. I think most of the city management are dumbasses.

long ago and far away

ha. FINALLY! finally remembered my log on information. Crazy. Took me all morning to get here. and I have nothing to post. LOL... but I'm back.

Hopefully I can get caught up on my friends' blogs too. I have nothing else to do today. It's fricken COLD and windy, and though I'm having horrid cabin fever, I sure as hell don't want to go outside.

I have some henna I made for this weekend, for a henna party that never happened because of illness and less than stellar weather... I'd like to decorate my hands a little with it. I wonder what my department's new director would think of that.