Dia de los Muertos

Happy Samhain! Happy Days of the Dead!

Though I always celebrate Samhain, the past few years my friends and I have been drifting the Dia de los Muertos direction. The similarities between the two holidays is uncanny, and my friends and I are totally embracing the imagery of the mexican holiday. We love the funky fun skeletons dressed in fancy clothes and doing daily things; the papel picado... tissue paper cut like paper snowflakes only with images of skulls and flowers; sugar skulls decorated all fancy like cakes, and altars covered in pictures of beloved family and friends who have passed on, but are not forgotten. Instead they are celebrated. Their lives are celebrated, their deaths are celebrated, because they have moved on to a better place, and the cycle of life continues with their passing. Because I was intrigued by the holiday since my friends had brought it into my life, I did a little research on it this year. The actual day of it is November 1st (my son's birthday, which was another reason I wanted to learn more about it) but usually the preparations begin much sooner, and sometimes celebrations actually begin on October 31 and continue through November 2. When we gathered friday night, we were setting up our Dia de los Muertos altar and talking about the sugar skulls on it (my friends Tina and Cat had been making sugar skulls since August!!! I have to take pictures of the ones I got.. the picture here are not the ones Tina made), someone asked about the small skulls at the top. Karen said that those were there for the angel babies, her daughter-in-law had lost a baby to miscarriage, and Karen had lost a twin brother in-utero. My other friend Cassie is so observant... she must have seen something on my face, and asked did I need a little skull there too. I did, so I picked one out and put it up there. Karen went on to say that when celebrating Dia de los Muertos, angel babies are given highest priority, they are always celebrated first, even given a whole day of celebration before the rest of the dead are celebrated. And they hold the highest place of honor on the altar. That felt good to know... and it made me wonder if some mamas who'd lost their little angels would feel better if they too celebrated Dia de los Muertos. Society wants us to forget our dead, forget our lost babies or at least.. keep it quiet because no one wants to talk about death or your lost baby. But Dia de los Muertos isn't about remembering our lost loved ones with sorrow, it's about remembering them with joy for the time they were with us, about releasing the remaining sorrow by celebrating, by inviting them to celebrate with us for a short time each year.

So, this year I celebrated my loved family and friends who have passed on:

my angel baby, who passed from my life so quickly, but whom I loved from the moment I saw that positive test

My Grandpa Fry - the first family member who passed on that affected me, because I loved him so much. He never had a negative thing to say about anyone, and accepted everyone as a child of God, regardless of gender or skin color.

My Grandma Fry - Who could make me laugh so hard that tears would run down my face, and whose frugality is still a lesson I try to learn.

My Aunt Deloris - who passed on almost one year ago. She would give and give, never expecting anything in return and if she loved you, she loved you unconditionally. Her lesson to me is that there is NOTHING you can't do, if you really want to do it. She never got past 8th grade, and the only reason she made it that far is her last year of school they brought in a special ed teacher, the first ever in that part of the state. Yet, this woman, who kept a dictionary handy every time she read anything so that she could understand it, managed to travel to several countries (some of them more than once) and had wonderful adventures that the average person only wishes they could have.

My Grandma Dee - She was the rock on my paternal side. She made the peace, kept the seas calm, and she never judged. I recently learned that there was much more to her than I ever knew, and had I ever had a baby girl, I was going to name her after Grandma Dora (we called her Dee)

Grandpa Donner - He had his flaws, but he also had his good side. He raised my dad and my uncles, all good men. For that I am thankful.

And good friends who have passed:
Ron - He's the one I wished was an uncle. He had SO MUCH wisdom, and you just kind of absorbed from him through osmosis, because he wasn't into lectures. He was also great fun, and we looked up to him as a role model.

Cindy - I had some great adventures with Cindy! Because of her, I began to come out of my shell and do things. She wasn't particularly outgoing or anything, but I got to be an adventurous geek because of her, and met all kinds of interesting people like, George Takai who sang a love song to Cindy; Walter Koenig, whom Cindy and a few others of us got to drive around town when he was here; Majel Barrett, Michael Dorn, James Doohan and so many others. I wish I had taken more pictures of all of us.

And I celebrate all my unnamed ancestors whose lives shaped those of us who followed.

Happy Dia de los Muertos!

hello from Babelistan

Not much going on. I made a goddess. Isn't she pretty? In spite of the red, she is calming to me.

Today I watched Daughters of Afghanistan. I checked out the dvd from my public library. It's aimed at middle/high school students, so there's nothing graphic in it. But it is still very sad, and I cried in a few spots. It reminded me of the movie "Osama" which is NOT about bin Laden, but about a young girl who is disguised by her widowed mother as a boy, so that she can get a job, so they won't starve to death. "Osama" is the first movie produced by Afghani film-making since the fall of the Taliban, and it paints a pretty horrid picture of what life was like under the Taliban. In fact, I had watched it while I was pregnant, which was a big mistake. Not something I recommend doing.... I actually own a burqa, a real one from Afghanistan. I had the opportunity to request that someone stationed there bring me something, and I asked for a burqa. I suspect he thought I was nuts. But I have since used it as an educational tool when I've done dance demos for school age kids. Funny thing... I can't get the burqa on my head. Even most of the petite ladies I know can't get it on their heads. It's an adult woman's burqa but it's too small for most american women... what does that say? that people are so undernourished there that they can't even grow as big as us? Most people who put it on feel claustrophobic in it. By the way, that guy also sent a couple other things, which was very nice, a couple hats that can be used for fun costuming.

Then, ironically, I watched an Elvis flick, "Harem Scarem". I'm not a huge fan of Elvis, but this was on some "belly dancer's list of campy flicks to watch with fake belly dancers in it", so I watched it. OMG, the sets reminded me of classic Star Trek sets... I fully expected to see some familiar set that was missing my favorite ripped-shirted captain, but no... no Kirk or Spock sets. I did watch the flick too close to the Afghanistan movie though. For the first 15 minutes of the film I kept thinking to myself "if this were for real, that woman would have been stoned" or similar. It was definitely a campy B film, had a lot of dumb racist stuff. Elvis was a crappy actor in it... is he a crappy actor in general? or was he just not feeling this movie specifically? Oh, and the creepy scene where he sung to the 9 year old girl (who was a better "belly dancer" than the women who were supposed to be the dancers) smacked of pedophilia and he would definitely not have gotten away with something like that today. Otherwise... I actually laughed a couple times in the movie... probably not as intended, but just because it was so silly. Oh, and the costumes also reminded me of Star Trek. Campy but fun. Totally inaccurate for the middle east of ANY time... in fact, most of the stuff the women wore looked like it was based on costumes from India. But that's okay, as I recall, none of the Elvis flicks were intended to be taken seriously?

I've been sick today, which is why I've been watching dvds. I also watched the Wiggles twice and a Thomas the Train dvd 4 times. (while Kevin was home and up). I was so done with the Choo Choo vid that I made Kevin watch a boring belly dance workout video, which I did not attempt to do the workout, though I did a few arm things which Kevin thought was hilarious, and tried to copy. He also showed me he knows how to do Downward Dog... His sitter does yoga, so I am wondering if she sometimes does yoga while the boys are up. Speaking of his mimicing... He also knows almost all of the stuff on Wiggle Time... he does all the animal sounds and gestures, hops and stomps... it's not perfect but he does the stuff with the video and it's so dang cute. I need to teach him some dance stuff. :)

Garden

I have a plan for my yard. I decided to create a separate blog for it though.

Go here http://dancingarden.blogspot.com/ if you are interested in it. :)

Busy busy

Technically I've really only been busy with Kevin most of the time. ;) Not doing anything super exciting. LOL

Most weekends I (and usually James) take Kevin to the Family Museum. It's a nice big place for him to run, and there are things he loves to play with there. Come Fall, we'll be buying a membership so that it doesn't cost us to get in every time.

At least one day on the weekend, I work out in the yard. I'm going to start a blog just for my gardening experience.

I had a bunch of stones out to charge under the full moon. I have a purpose for them, and plan to photograph the stages of what I'm going to do with them and post here. If I can find the stuff I bought to use. I hate when I lose things. :P

What the Bleep!

I finally FINALLY watched What the Bleep Do We Know?!. It had been recommended to me ages ago, and I never got around to getting it, whether renting or borrowing from the friend who recommended it.

It is my new favorite documentary. I've watched it twice so far. I L.O.V.E. this film. I am ordering the expanded version, Down the Rabbit Hole, off amazon. Everyone MUST see this film...

And the funny thing is... it is basically explaining what my coven and I have been teaching in our Wicca classes and to each other since I joined the coven (in '94) and long before I came along. I don't know about other people's Wicca except what I've learned directly from other witches I've worked with, but really, magic and prayer (in my opinion) are really just quantum physics.

I am really looking forward to getting the expanded version.

I wonder if I can get J to watch it... and GET it. I've been trying to explain some of these concepts to him and he just doesn't GET it. I wonder if it's just because it's me... or if he really doesn't want to GET IT... doesn't want to accept responsibility for his reality.

On saturday, when Kevin and I were out and about. I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, and saw on the corner a guy holding a pole with 3 signs, all the same sign... advertising some going-out-of-business sale (the sale has been going on for a month). He was just standing on this corner, holding this pole of signs. It was almost 90 degress out and the sun was beating down on this poor guy. It probably felt like 95 with all that concrete around. He was probably just some poor schmuck who got laid off, and "lucky" break for him, he got picked that morning at the LaborReady temp office to work that corner. He looked like a decent guy. Hot and sweating and his tanned skin turning red with a burn. It only took me a moment to decide to try to get in the other lane so I could swing around, making a stop at the kwik shop a block away so I could get him a bottle or two of cold water. Just as I had started to figure out how to change lanes at the stop light, someone else pulled up next to him and gave him a bottle of cold water. Stellar!!! I got a lump in my throat, because I wasn't the only one that felt for him. It gave me a little hope for the world, and I drove on saying a blessing for those folks in that car and a hope that the guy on that corner has a turn around on his luck so he doesn't have to stand on that corner again.

all over the place

I've been thinking about this blog. I feel it has something missing. Kind of like there are things missing from my life. Since I'm not blogging anywhere else anymore, and if I'm expecting to journal whatever is meaningful to me, I'm going to have to write everything I feel like writing. I had other blogs for writing about other parts of my life, but it's too much time and trouble to go to three or four websites to journal. And I didn't go to them (or here) because I get intimidated when I feel like I *have* to blog everywhere. lol... so anyway, I'm only going to "blog" two places. Here, which is my all around blog, and everything baby which is mostly for stuff related to my son.

One thing I feel missing in my life is my magic. I've lived so mundanely the last several years. And I feel like I've lost the connection I had to my Divine. So I am going to be working on that, and posting about it. I have some plans for things to start on this weekend. I am even thinking of posting some step by steps on a few things in case anyone else wants to do some of it.

Another thing I need to work on is me... my attitude. How I express myself to some people. Sometimes I feel myself turning into Bitch Queen of the Universe and I don't like doing that. I need to stop that attitude crap. Putting negative energy out into the world is only going to bring me negative energy back, and goddess knows I don't need any more negative crap in my life.

I watched a documentary called "Jesus Camp" on netflix. I'd heard a lot of negative about it... how it was so extreme and stuff. And yeah, it was extreme and it bothered me how the adults got the kids so worked up into tears and stuff, and how some of the kids would spout some of their evangalistic jargon as if they were brainwashed. But I also was very familiar with it all... when I was the age of most of those kids in that film, I went to a "charismatic" church very like the one in the film. People at the church spoke in "tongues" and people were "slain in the spirit" and various other things that are common in such churches. Anyway, I don't mind churches like that, but it makes me sad that young minds are being closed so tightly at such young ages, without even the opportunity to honestly choose the path they are walking. Those kids have never known any other spiritual path, don't know anything about any other path... although, now that I think of it, any other path is automatically satan worship regardless of what anyone says... I remember that now. Anyway, there was one really ironic point in the film, that actually had me laugh out loud. The adult preacher had the kids worked up into tears and they were going on and on about something they thought was bad in their lives... doubt maybe? anyway, that had these ceramic mugs or whatever, and the kids were told to smash these mugs and it would be smashing their doubt or whatever it was that was bad in their lives. HELLO. Magic! Gotta love seeing actual magic being done in fundie charismatic church. I'm sure they wouldn't call it that, but hey, if I took a dish and wrote "doubt" on it, and smashed it, while in my sacred space, we call that a magic spell.

Speaking of remembering stuff from that time... Lets see, I went to that fundie charismatic church back when I was 14-16. (I hesitate to call it christian because I don't really think they are about Christ as much as they think) then I took a break from churching to have a boyfriend (yeah, I SINNED!) and then join the air force. I was stationed at a base about an hour east of Pensacola where my aunt and her family lived, and I visited them a lot. Well it was because of her that I'd originally gone to that fundie church, and she started trying to convince me I'd backslid and needed to return to the fold. She started telling me that I had demons in me, and that her church had learned out to exorcise demons. Now, her daughter, my cousin, was still a kid. Maybe 11? she of course heard all this too, and had terrible nightmares because of it! I mean SCREAMING nightmares! how is that right? Anyway, out of deference to my aunt, I let her drag me to the church to be exorcised. She told me when the demons come out, there might be vomit or ectoplasm or some shit like that coming out too. Pea soup! a la The Exorcist you know? LMAO.

Nothing happened.

But that was my fault you see.. the demons had a good hold on me and I wouldn't let them out either. The church people insisted that I needed to come back several times to get them all out because I resisted.

Whatever. I didn't go back. it was crazy! I mean, they were trying to tell me that the care bear my mom sent me put a demon in me. Not to mention (gasp!) the dungeons and dragons game I played. Oh, those were the days too... back when a D&D game could last for 48 hours. Straight. I miss that (well, not so much now... I don't have the stamina I did when I was 19 or 20)

Really. I loved my aunt dearly, but she was pretty gullible. It's really too bad that there are churches out there that tell people that crap.

long time no blog

I am so bad. I got busy or lazy and didn't post on my blog.

I didn't get the job in my previous post. Apparently the department director decided she didn't want anyone who already worked in the department, so it didn't matter how qualified I was for the job, I wouldn't have gotten it no matter what. Bitch. I am still a little bitter about it.

Today the belly dancers are walking in the 4th of July parade. So soon I'm going to have to get ready in my red, white and blue costume. At least it's not going to be hot as hades this year. Last year we also got stuck on the wrong side of a train, and then were forced to walk fast to catch up to the rest of the parade. So instead of dance walking... we had to practically run. We were SO wiped out last year it wasn't funny. I sure hope there's no train this year. That would suck ass.

In new news, I am taking two internet classes through my local community college. Speed Spanish and intro to Excel. The intro class is probably mostly too easy however it's a prerequisite to continue to the next classes. I am currently the person who knows how to use it best at work, and I barely know it all, so I decided I'm going to be as expert as I can so that people at work will need me more. I'm going to do the same with Access. I already get called to help someone 3 or 4 times a day, might as well know even more. The spanish class is hard though.

ok, need to get ready for the parade.

Passed

I passed the test for that job. Got the letter in the mail yesterday. Since I wasn't convinced that I'd passed, even though I was confident in most of it, I'm rather pleased. Next is the interview. I feel like I'm a strong interviewer. However, someone could have a chip on their shoulder for me, which would make the whole thing moot. But I'm going to proceed as if I have a chance, which I think I do. Hopefully I will indeed get the job.

I've been sick. Still not well. can't taste or smell anything. I went to a sex toy party last night and told the lady not to pass the sniff and lick'um stuff to me as it was pointless. Yes, I bought something. One of those massagers so I can massage my neck and shoulders myself.

when I feel better I will type more.

Heart Walk

Heart attack and stroke are the top killers of those of us with type 2 diabetes. My coworker just had open heart surgery. My stepdad had open heart surgery. There've been lots of heart attacks and strokes in my family.

I'd already decided I wanted to start walking more. But just wanting to walk isn't always enough. Walking once or twice a week isn't enough. I need a goal, something to work on. My mom used to walk every day practically, and she walked 2 or 3 charity walks or marathon style walks every year.

So, I registered to walk in the American Heart Association's Heart Walk in my town. There are 2 routes, 1 mile and 3 miles. I know I can do 1 mile. But to do the 3 mile route, I will need to train several times a week. So Kevin and I are in training. (Kevin will go on the Heart Walk with me!)

Of course, this is a charity walk, which means I agreed to try to get donations. If you are so inclined, you can help out at my Heart Walk webpage (click here). Otherwise, your good wishes are enough!

random...

Thank you Julie! She made some soaps, and offered to send them out to some folks and I am one of the lucky recipients. They smell heavenly, and one is in my shower now. I'd actually gotten them last week, but I think my husband may have stuck them on a high shelf after I brought the box in, to keep it out of Kevin's reach, and I just found the box yesterday.

I hope this post goes through. Having trouble with the internet today.

I got the letter from HR at work, I test for the position I applied for next tuesday. I hope I do well, but even if I do... it's no guarantee of putting me at the top of the list. It sure would be nice to get that job though. I am ticked off for a friend of mine though... she works in the office where this job is at, she has the same job classification as I do. They sent her a letter telling her she would not be invited to test. WTF? She's just as qualified as I am. I don't get it. She told me that she thought her boss didn't like her. I have to wonder now if that was it... seems awfully petty if it were.

Also next week is Kevin's surgery. I'm getting cold feet. I am paranoid now. If you all don't hear from me thursday evening, something bad may have happened and I am in jail for murdering the surgeon.

Oh. So our state just passed a law that there's to be no smoking in public buildings now, with a few exceptions (casinos). The law was passed in response to Illinois passing a similar law (though their casinos were not exempted). While on the surface, I'm happy about it because I hate walking into restaurants and smelling smoke. I'm slightly disturbed by the trend of legislating this kind of thing. How far does it go, when does this kind of thing stop? Someday will it be illegal for fat people to buy candy or ice cream? I don't know... I don't see a perfect solution. Someone locally posted an idea that made more sense to me... treat cigarettes like a controlled substance... like alcohol is treated. Then make restaurants and bars buy a cigarette license the way they do a liquor license. To me that makes more sense, that way there would be some restaurants and bars that people can still smoke at, and others that choose not to offer that option. Sure I don't like to be forced to breathe second-hand smoke, but I don't think that should mean that every single entertainment venue in the state must be smoke-free and that people can only smoke in their homes, cars and a certain number of feet outside buildings. And casinos.

The first!!!

The first flower to bloom in my yard!

Not that I have tons of blooming plants, but one year I did plant a bunch of bulbs, ranging from early bloomers to late tulips. This one is the first to bloom. And it's not even one I planted... it's a volunteer that sprang up from the bulbs I had planted about 6 feet away... so it must have come up from seed. Interesting!

I had procrastinated doing our taxes. I was afraid of what my bellydance business might do to our return. So I procrastinated. I shouldn't have. ha! I managed to come up with enough business expenses (that I can prove) to take my net income down to less than $300 (out of almost $5000). So, we're still getting a nice return. And if I had to... I probably could have come up with enough expenses to prove a loss... but I won't do that now, as that would require me to fill out another form, and I'm done with forms. Anyway, it will be good to get our return. I wanted to get a dishwasher last year but didn't push for it. However, this year we will get it. I can hardly wait. It will probably pay for itself within a couple years just with the $ saved in water that is saved compared to how the dishes are done by hand here. Not to mention how convenient and so much cleaner the dishes will be. I can hardly wait. We even looked at some today.

We did by a new nuker today. Our old one is in poor shape, and about 20 yrs old, and only 750 watt or some such... barely has any power. We picked up a scratch-n-dent model for $40 today, with more power. And we used a gift card so it wasn't out-of-pocket $$. Kevin "drove" the cart around in Best Buy... they had this big cart that looks like a car or whatever... he saw the wheels on it, did his best "Oooo!" so naturally we had to put him behind it's steering wheel. For mama pushing it around, it was like pushing a bus compared to the regular shopping carts, but Kevin had a blast "steering" the play steering wheel in it.

Spring at last!!!

It was like, 70 degrees almost! The high was supposed to be 69, but I think it really did hit 70. Or it just felt like it. It was damn wonderful!!!

We went to the park today. The big one in the center of town. It has a small lake with ducks, a conservatory and of course the playground and expansive greenspace. Kevin did the swing, ran around chasing some bubbles, but they were blowing toward the lake and he has a total thing for water. So naturally he ran for the lake. He enjoyed the flowers in the conservatory. I hear it's supposed to rain tomorrow, bummer... it would have been nice to have another pretty day to be outside.

I was sick of the lame blog template I had. Almost everyone else has the same dang template. So I changed. The only thing I don't like about this one is the pyzam bar up at the top. I can't get rid of it. :P

I've been having odd dreams of late, but can't remember them well enough to interpret. I don't like one of the recent ones... a friend of mine murdered in it. bleh.

eh, past my bedtime...

Drummin'!

Ok, found a new hobby. LOL.... I will be practicing my drumming!

Kevin had a BLAST. First, he had a room full of women to flirt with. (there was one token male who took the workshop... and he was cute, more on that) There were also about 20 different drums of all sizes, so he was in heaven. Right up till the workshop started, he'd either be flirting or banging on someone's drum. I did notice that towards the end he was watching me hit my drum... I think he was starting to "get" the patterns. I'm hoping I can eventually teach him rhythms. How cool would that be to have my kid be a kick ass drummer of belly dance and tribal music?

SO. I had one guy sign up for the workshop. I was eager to meet him as he was totally unknown to me when I got his registration in the mail. Turned out that he and a friend of his play pretty regularly, including for dancers, and he wanted to network with other folks interested in drumming and Near Eastern belly dance music. And he was cute too! scratch that, he was sexy. :) Long, dark hair in a pony, nice little beard. The grey in the beard gave him a distinguished look. But here's the kicker. He had an aussie accent!!! I can safely say that I was not the only female thinking "yummy". One gal told me she intended to pursue. LMAO. I wish her luck. ;)

I've rediscovered my iPod. Of course I used it every week for dance class. But when my desktop crashed, I stopped syncing my iPod because my laptop didn't have iTunes on it. However, I realized that the desktop may be a while getting fixed, so I moved my iTunes over to the laptop. Fortunately all my music (and all other computer files) had been stored on an external harddrive, making it easier to move everything. I did do a dorky thing... stayed up all saturday night moving the files, remaking my playlists, getting everything ready to sync my iPod. By the time I finally plugged the iPod in to sync, it was 6am sunday morning and I had not slept at all. whoa. While the iPod did it's thing, I passed out briefly on the couch. But I got up again when Kevin and James got to the living room, so I pretty much did sunday activities on no sleep. Surprisingly, I didn't feel the crash till late afternoon, evening of sunday. But I won't be making a habit of that...
Anyway, I had downloaded a bunch of classic rock songs that I haven't heard in years but never got them on the iPod till this weekend. So now I'm listening to great songs I've missed, as well as some new belly dance music I haven't listened to before. I'm finding stuff I want to write a dance for and being nostalgic.

Bedtime. Kevin has an appt with a surgeon tomorrow morning to find out if he actually has a hernia.

Busy weekend ahead...

So I have a drum rhythm workshop and bellydance party tonight. Should be fun! Kevin is going and I don't know if that means he won't get a nap this afternoon. I'm going to check with our sitter to see if I can come pick up the play yard we have there in case I can get him to take a nap in it sometime this afternoon. I wouldn't dream of leaving Kevin with grandma or a sitter. He LOVES drums and dancing, and I think he'd be very put out with me if he knew he'd missed today... so I'm taking him, and I'll deal with the grumpy tired Kevin tomorrow morning if need be.

Tomorrow my dad and stepmom are coming in to visit for the day. So no doubt that tomorrow afternoon we'll be busy busy.

I found a blog I like. It's paganish so if you aren't into that, don't go visit. But otherwise, the author is very witty, I really like reading her blog. The Gods Are Bored.

ah, my darling has awakened from his nap.

did I win?

so my day started with puking. yeah, stomach flu I guess. It moved on to a pointless argument with the hubby. While Kevin and I watched his new movie, The Bee, I checked some lottery tickets I had laying around. I guess if you have the Powerball number, you win. I had a ticket with the Powerball number. $3. Except that I bought the powerplay option with a multiplyer of 5... so I won $15. woo.

Kevin woke from his afternoon nap in a PISSY mood. Perhaps because he was hungry. Probably inherited that from his dad. So I fed him, and now he's better. Now we are watching Firefly episodes and teaching Kevin to sing the Firefly theme song.

I have nothing else exciting to say. The day was not great. I should have been trying to get better, that's what taking a sick day is for... it's what I hoped to do since it was J's day off. Instead he has slept all day and will probably sleep all night, while I took care of Kevin all day and tried to hold my guts in. (the puking stopped this morning, but it was the other end I was concerned about)

Nobody won. The $15 was spent on the pizza I bought for my eating disorder binge.

Florida trip report, part 2

I forgot to mention in the last post that my mom lives in a manufactured home community. We call them trailer parks up here, but honestly, there is a WORLD of difference between the type of community she lives in and our trailer parks. I did see a "trailer park" down there, so really, her place shouldn't even be considered remotely like anything we have here. It was really a retiree community though I did see people walking around that were not old by my standards. It was a lovely place actually, nearly all the homes were double-wide trailers with a lanai (a screened in porch that's really another room). Some of the newer homes were not trailers but actual manufactured homes and looked very different from the older homes. As I said, we walked the dog every morning and evening, except for the evening it rained. Every morning I woke to the sounds of roosters crowing. Roosters? yep, that's right. They live wild in the scrub along the ravine behind my mom's house. They crow all day from the butt-crack of dawn till late afternoon. There are also wild peacocks back there too. I didn't see the peacocks, just heard them. But I saw a rooster. It was black. Though mom technically lives in Sarasota, where she lives is not city but county jurisdiction. So apparently there are not rules about hunting... so people have tried to hunt those wild chickens and peacocks, without success. haha Accross from one of the main roads from my mom's community is a house where some circus folk live. They have a huge trapeze thing in their front yard. Last november when I went down, I saw them practicing, but I guess they are on the road now. Florida is still wintering site for circus folk.

Back to my report!

Sunday 3/16, mom of course wants to show off her grandson at church. Fortunately she didn't expect us to go to bible study. I'd have been bored silly. So we get there about 10:30ish, mom does her Proud Grandma thing before stuff starts. She mentioned there was a nursery, but I didn't feel like leaving him with strangers even if she did trust them (they also supposedly had to go through background checks and such). Anyway, we had a few things for him to play with, and he did fairly well when service started. Unfortunately, service happened during his nap time, and since it was all new to him, he had no desire to try to sleep. I finally had to step out of the sanctuary area to the lobby to get him to settle enough to nap. I was thrilled though, I was getting tired of the sermon... I am not going to diss it, but the topic was definitely NOT up my alley and certainly fit many of the reasons why I don't want to be christian. Other than that though, mom's church friends were very nice and friendly. Easy to be friendly when you never get winter cabin fever. LMAO
After church we went to a chinese buffet for lunch. I think that Kevin has a thing for little oriental women. He ALWAYS charms the waitress girls. Maybe it's because they almost always bring him a cookie after we eat.... They do it up here and they did it in florida.
After lunch we went to Sarasota Jungle Gardens! and we got to meet a message board friend and her hubby and son! It was great to meet someone that I've chatted with for a long while, and her son Kian and Kevin had fun. The Garden is like a cross between a tropical garden and a mini-zoo. It actually doesn't take up a lot of space, the path winds around on itself so that it seems like you are doing a lot of walking, but you aren't going very far. There are every type of palm tree, bamboo, and tropical plants. Interspersed are cages with tropical birds and later in the walk, a cage of lemurs and spider monkeys. The bird pictures I took myself. They have a bird show and a reptile show, and we showed Kevin the crocodiles, alligators and snakes. We also watched the bird show where parrots and cockatoos did tricks. My mom bought some of the bird food and we fed the birds, including a flamingo. The seagulls were LOUD and annoying. We saw a lovely white peacock that I kept taking pictures of, for my friend Melanie. Pmaw and her family had to go after the bird show, as they had a 4 hour drive back home. After we hugged and said goodbye, we went to the gift shop and I bought a souvineer (sp?) tshirt for Kevin and myself, a toy alligator for Kevin and a flamingo visor for a good friend of mine who is a flamingo freak. lol
When we got to the car, Kevin almost passed out instantly. So we decided to drive around for a while on Siesta Key to see some sights, look for a place to eat and then go back to Siesta Beach for the sunset drum circle. That all sounds like it would take little time, eh? No... took us a half hour just to get to the main drive of Siesta Key. Then we drove another half hour to Turtle Beach. But along the way I was able to see Siesta Key's version of "the strip". It was a strip of shops and restaurants and bars, all touristy and according to mom, all pricey. In 1993 when I went to visit them, mom took me to Turtle Beach. The beach wasn't sand, it was broken shells. You have to wear beach shoes to walk on it, it hurts so bad. But the water is fine. However one of those hurricanes that hit Sarasota (Charlie?) totally stripped Turtle beach, and there wasn't a beach left at all. They had to truck sand in and rebuild the beach, so right now it's about 2/3 sand and the shells are starting to come back so it's got about 1/3 shells. Turtles on Little Sarasota Bay is the restaurant we went to, across from Turtle Beach. I was shocked, we said we weren't picky about the table location, so they got us a table right away, and we got one on the veranda with a view of the bay! I was quite thrilled. Kevin was actually still asleep when we sat down, but he woke up shortly after. We had a lovely seafood dinner... I had some sort of fish I'd never heard of wrapped in parchment paper with a sherry sauce. Kevin had "gourmet" mac and cheese. He was happy. But he liked my fish too.
After dinner, we drove back to Siesta beach and regretted not getting there sooner. Parking had been fine when we drove by on the way to dinner, but now it was packed. We barely managed to find a place in the lot very close to where we need to go. So we head to the beach, and get to the Drum Circle. When we arrived, there were about 20 drummers, but more arrived constantly. The Drum circle starts about an hour before sunset and continues well into the night I guess. Mom says that after dark is for the "advanced" drum circle folks, in other words, clothing might come off, and things might get "rowdy". I know I got a whiff of the weed as we looked for a spot to sit. Anyway, when we arrived it was still mostly family-friendly, and people and kids were dancing in the circle with the drumming. I loved it. Kevin LOVED it. All he wanted to do was stand by the drummers and watch them and dance. It was so fun to watch him and fun to dance up there by the drummers. When it got darker, I saw the circle get smaller around the drummers and the families started leaving. Then we got a huge whiff of weed, so we decided to pack it up and head home. LOL It was a packed and eventful day!!

Monday 3/17 we didn't do a whole lot during the day. Mom had a chiro appt so she dropped Kevin and I off at a big bookstore that reminded me of B&N. I let Kevin have the run of the store while we waited, which was good for him, he needed to run. That bookstore was in a shopping center that had a few stores I wanted to see, so we did a little shopping. I found some jammies for Kevin cheap, and a few things for me, cheap. When we were done there, I needed to pick up some more milk for Kevin. My stepdad drinks some sort of soy type milk (gross) and my mom drinks some sort of fat free (not just skim) milk that is so fat free that it's not even proper white. blech. We went home and had some lunch, and I put Kevin down for a nap. Mom and stepdad needed to go to the airport that night to pick up a friend of thiers to get her home, and since I had a friend that had moved down to florida 6 months ago and she wanted to get together, I borrowed mom's car and drove up to Clearwater to meet up with her and her sons. She knew of a great Persian restaurant, so we went there and had some fantastic food. Shish Kabobs, chicken kabobs, beef kabobs, veggie kabobs, hummus, baba ghanoush, dolmas, felafel, tabbouleh... oh I was in heaven! We also tried a couple deserts among the 5 of us, persian ice cream (ice cream with saffron and maybe cardamom? in it) and some sort of other desert that tasted like lemon sorbet but wasn't, quite. Then Annette took us all down to Pier 60 to see Clearwater beach, and it turned out that there were sidewalk performers and a craft show. We saw a guy dressed up like Captain Jack and I took a picture of everyone with him. Kevin played on the gym equipment on the sand with Annette's boys. Then we walked down the pier to look at the craft booths. Mind you, this was after dark! Almost 9pm. Annette, the trooper, insisted on carrying Kevin most of that time. She just loves little ones. Eventually though, Kevin insisted on getting down. He then ran almost half the pier, oooohing and woooing every time he went to the railing and saw the water below. Any attempt to pick him up elicited a fit of temper. lol... But, the night had to come to an end, Annette got us back to our car by 10pm and we hugged and went our way. I got us back to mom's by 11:15, not too bad.

Tuesday 3/18 was our final day, we had to be at the airport by 5:30. So we hung out at the house, letting Kevin play, packing, eating. It was a quiet final hours. We got to the airport, and after I checked in and mom and stepdad left, I discovered the plane was running late due to bad weather elsewhere. But I also found out that I would be on the same plane from Sarasota to my home airport, so I asked if there were any available first class seats that I could upgrade to. There were! it cost me $60 to upgrade to first class. Totally worth it too, she gave me a front row seat which has the most leg room and no one in front of me, so I could put Kevin down after take off and let him play in front of me, my leg was enough of a fence to keep him in. Plus, drinks (booze) was complimentary... as much as I wanted. Being a little concerned (ha! understatement) about turbulence and flying through rough weather, I started out with a vodka/cranberry and moved on to Bailey's. I had a lot of Bailey's. I was quite relaxed by the time we landed in Atlanta (no weather). I had to switch from the vodka/cranberry because Kevin was totally into the cranberry. He'd never had it before but the color attracted him and he threw a tantrum when I wouldn't let him have any. Honestly... I might have let him have a sip if I didn't think my seat neighbor would have called me a bad mom for letting my kid have booze. I was tempted... maybe he would have calmed down and slept? oh well, I will never know. However, he did fall asleep while we sat at Atlanta waiting for the plane to load. That was nice, he slept most of the last leg of the trip, waking just before landing. We were only 10 minutes late, which was better than last time. We got home by 11:30pm and Kevin went straight to bed (he was awake all the way home), then so did I.

It was 35 degrees when I got home. :(

Florida trip report, part 1

I suspect this is going to be a long report, so I'm going to break it up to make it easier to type. lol

We arrived in Florida on wednesday night at 11:30pm. It was 65 degrees. My mom was wearing a jacket and complained she was freezing. I thought it was balmy! I know it's all about perspective... but damn it felt good to be warm. I deliberately did not bring a sweater or jacket, I had faith I wouldn't need it. LOL Anyway, I had hoped (from the previous trip) that Kevin would sleep on the plane. Not so much... in fact he was incredibly active and did not want to sit on my lap. Not that I really blame him. So, when we got there, I was exhausted. Kevin was AWAKE. It was after midnight and Kevin was still awake in the pack-n-play when I passed out.

thursday 3/13 - except perhaps for Kevin, we were all kind of tired that morning, so we took it easy. Kevin met my mom's dog, a small poodle-ish dog named Nicholas (Nickie). We went for walks every morning to walk the dog, so we did that, then relaxed around the house till after Kevin's nap. After lunch, mom took me to the Whole Foods store, I had never been to one before and I wanted to get a few things for Kevin. It was awesome. I wish we had one! It was huge, more like a grocery store than the health food stores here where I live. Their deli ROCKED. We also stopped at a strip mall that was having a sidewalk craft show and I bought a couple things, one of which I forgot at mom's house! :(

On friday 3/14 we were feeling a lot more energetic, so we went down to St Armand's Circle on Lido Key. Mom says the key was originally bought and used by the Ringling circus as their winter site. Now there is an upscale pedestrian shopping mall in a large circle, where you can buy fine art, expensive jewelry, classy clothes and nice imports. My favorite store was Binjara Imports. Mom and I (and Kevin) window shopped. Most of the stores were above our price range, it was just a nice place to go and have a pleasant afternoon. We came to an ice cream parlor called "Scoop Daddy's". Mom said it was the best ice cream, so we stopped to have some. Kevin had the "Superman" flavor... the ice cream was bright blue, yellow, red and green. Yum!!! haha... I had ice cream called Hazelnut chocolate chip latte. It was good stuff. Naturally we had dessert before the meal... so we kept going around the circle till we came to a cafe called Crab & Fin. We had expensive crab salad sandwiches... but they were GOOD crab salad sandwiches. It was sprinkling rain off and on all afternoon. Not enough to get us wet, but just enough to keep us from considering swimming at the beach. The clouds and sprinkles made it just cool enough (even for me) to skip swimming. But we drove down to Lido beach to see it and let Kevin get his toes wet. He is crazy about beaches. Of course they are one huge sandbox, but he loves the water like mad. I have to keep a sharp eye on him as soon as his feet hit the sand, he takes off for the water's edge on his own. There was a small boat bay between St. Armands and the beach, and mom said it's popular with the local manatees for a breeding ground. Since it was manatee breeding season, we checked the bay on the way off the key, to see if any were there, but didn't see any. Mom thinks it's because of the rain and clouds... they apparently prefer sunny warm days to come up to that bay.

Saturday 3/15 we went to the beach! Siesta beach of course. Siesta has the finest, softest white sand of all the beaches there. It's my favorite. During the drive (which was a little long due to the extra traffic from spring break) I looked at big houses on the bay side for examples of what our Winter Home will look like after I win the lottery. ha ha! I forgot to take pictures, as Kevin was quite the handful if I let go of him, and I was freaking out about the idea of him getting washed away by the waves, which were high enough to push me around. So, the camera never entered my mind. We did try to get him to play in the sand, but he wasn't interested after he caught sight of the water. So, we took him down and carried him far enough for us to get our butts wet and his feet wet. Then I took him to the edge where the highest waves came to, and we sat and played in the sand and let the higher waves get us wet. Kevin loved that. I kept showing him how to dig a big hole to let water fill it. He liked that. In spite of the huge SPF lotion I put on him, he got a little pink over his nose and cheeks. I had lotion on too, but the side of my chest facing the sun I got a little burned. Not bad though. We had a blast, and wore ourselves out. Kevin and I went up to the refreshment stand and had some cheese fries (he was STARVING apparently) while mom brought our stuff up. The beach is really wide and a long walk. Mom had to walk a half mile to where she parked the car so we could go home. The crowds were crazy for parking but the beach was so big that it didn't seem so bad... it was crowded, but not packed. I wonder what parking is like on a packed day.

ok, that's enough for this post. Kevin needs a little lovin'.

stuff

ugh! I am wiped out tired. I only worked two days this week and they were busy, trying to catch up from vacation. I was going to post a long trip report, but it will have to wait till tomorrow.

I applied for the job that I've been waiting for it to be posted. It's open to the public as an "entry level" position though, even though it would be a promotion for me. So I won't know what my chances are for a while. I do know the supervisor wants to hire internally instead of outside the organization. That may help... if I pass the test.

Happy Ostara or Spring Equinox, however you call it. Did you balance an egg? I did not. I think ours aren't quite fresh enough. Can't wait to see what Kevin does with his basket!

Back from heaven...

yeah... I was in heaven. Or was it florida? doesn't matter, wish I was still there. I plan to write a good post about it tomorrow. Too late now, I must get to bed!

I just finished putting together Kevin's Ostara basket. Spent too much, I'm sure. I'm considering waiting till friday morning to give it to him though, so daddy can be there for it.

More to come!

basket ideas

When I was at Walmart a couple days ago, J and I went down some aisles so I could get some Ostara basket filler ideas. In the crayola aisle (have you noticed that it's not just crayola crayons anymore? crayola gets a whole fricken AISLE for markers, crayons, coloring books, etc etc) I found toddler crayons. They are egg shaped (nothing to do with easter) to be easier to hold in toddler hands. Also, they aren't a crayon that can be broken into bite-sized pieces and eaten! So, I will be picking up some toddler crayons for Kevin to color with. I think that we will color some eggs and tape them to the windows next week!

I discovered that Kevin likes things with lights, especially if they blink. heaven forbid that he get ahold of one of J's flashlights (J has a zillion flashlights... in my perception lol) because I can never get him to give it up. I saw some easter blinky light things... I might get one of those to put in the basket. I think I might also look for some more large plastic non-moving-parts dinosaurs to go with his T-rex that he got at the Walking with Dinosaurs show last weekend. He loves his Rrrarrrr and plays with it all the time. I think T-Rex Rrrarrrr needs a stegosaurus or tricerotops to eat.

I am going to skip that grass shit that is usually sold to put in those baskets. I'll get it when he's older. But I'll never forget my stepsisters daughter, at the easter when she was a year old, she somehow managed to eat some of that grass, and when it came out the other end later, one end of that grass was stuck in a turd in her diaper, and the other end was stuck in a turd still inside her. I will never forget watching my mom pull that piece of grass out gently while my stepsister (who was f-n 16 at the time) hold her daughter while the poor kid screamed. No thanks. Keep your plastic grass, Walmart.

new family traditions...

So, Kevin's first year I was too wrapped up in being a new mom to consider what we would do for the holidays as a family. For those who don't really know, I am wiccan, been so for oh... 15ish years. Was practicing solitary, then part of a small group since 94. But I still practice solitary at home. My husband J is not wiccan, though he's cool with it and sometimes does go to my group's family celebrations. And he has participated in some of the things I've done at home, like wardings. Anyway... the equinox is coming. Ostara. It is thursday the 20th. I have to work that day. That's okay... maybe in the future I will take off work on holidays so that we can celebrate the holidays better.

But this comes to the major question... what traditions do we want to do to celebrate Ostara? Kevin is too young for teaching anything, and thats good because I'm not quite prepared yet, since I'm only just now figuring this stuff out. But I need to figure out what I want to do this year. In the future, I'll tell Kevin the story of how the Eostre bunny and the eggs came about. This year, for Kevin I will make him a basket of toys and a couple of plastic eggs with treasures in them that I will "hide" in the living room. I will probably make some hard boiled eggs for decorating and later eating. Since I'm going to try and garden again this year, I will be making my garden egg for burying. That will probably be a tradition I can include Kevin in, in the future. Unfortunately, I don't have time to do any psanky eggs this year, since I'll be in florida soon. I really enjoy doing psanky, but damn, it's time consuming. I'd consider doing some later, but with the cleaning I need to do, I'll wait till next year.

One good thing is that Ostara and Easter are around the same time. So saturday the 22nd, there's all kinds of egg hunts going on around town. I think I'll take Kevin to the one at the petting zoo for sure. We'll see about going to another one not far from our house. Depends on Kevin. I don't really want him to eat candy anyway so if that's all the egg hunts are, I can do without going to several.

Meme

jennyquarx tagged me to particpate in a meme. This is a rather interesting one, and I'm required to tag 5 of you in turn.

The meme is that you need to turn to page 123 of any book, and then quote the 5th sentence on the page either in a post of your own or in my comments. Then you get to tag 5 people as well.

Here's mine:

I can't speak for anybody else, but maybe it's because so many of us are outsiders.

I don't think anyone reads my blog besides most of the people that Julie and Jennyquarx already tagged. But Melanie, if you happen to read this, you are tagged. anyone else not tagged yet, consider yourself tagged. haha

gonna dance like no one is watching...

I've decided to take a sabbatical from teaching dance. My students already know. I probably wouldn't have decided this if I didn't have a senior student who'd decided to teach and another good friend teaching not too far away. This gives my ladies some choices to continue their dance learning.

For me, I'm going back to class to learn again myself. I'm going to get my groove back. I love to dance but lately... that love was stale. So I'm going to work on that. Then, instead of teaching weekly classes, I will probably do workshops now and then, when I create dances that I really like.

Not sure what's going on with the job opening I'm waiting for. I heard some talk that it's supposed to be posted this week. I'm waiting for that. Part of the talk included that it might be open to the public, rather than internal only. That would suck for me. I don't know if that's true or not, but if it is open to the public, my seniority and stuff may mean nothing. I don't know how they can justify not going internal first. I guess it's just something I have to wait and see.

I have nothing witty to write about. Sorry! I've been so busy at work and after work, that when I finally get home, I just want to go to bed.

ok, I'm going to watch an episode of Lost before I crash. Peace out! (miss you Doobie!)

who are you and what did you do with my coworker?

A totally surreal moment today. The coworker that has been so hostile lately? Well, she comes to my desk and asks me if I have a moment, she wants to talk to me in private. So in my head, I'm thinking "shit... what did I do to make her mad at me..." and off we go to one of the small conference rooms.

So what did she want to talk to me about? Her first question, "Michele, can I ask why you didn't apply for my position?" well, the posting listed qualifications that I could not meet... they'd have never even let me test for it. Her next: "Do you want to move up to a better position?" Um. YEAH. I don't dig working reception. "Well you know Jane's position will open up soon, have you thought of applying for it?" (Jane, a fake name, is the gal who is taking my coworker's place and whose job I have already mentioned wanting to apply for).

She proceeds to tell me that she thinks I would be excellent for Jane's job, because basically it entails doing a lot of what I already do, but that I would be doing a bit more complicated stuff. That she's willing to help me out any way she can so that I can get the position. (huh WHAT?) We have a pleasant little discussion and then go back to work. A little bit later she gives me a book and shows me the parts to read that will help me, probably with parts of the test I will have to take. (sigh... nothing like HUD documents for light reading)

I am really appreciative of her help. And I will certainly take it. It's ironic that she's the one giving me the documents that I've asked for in the past (I've been wanting to study some of this stuff in the hopes of getting a promotional opportunity) and the other woman who I consider a friend has not offered these documents when I asked her for stuff to help me learn about our HUD policies.

Well anyway. If I ever stop being so friggin busy at work, I might get to do that exciting reading. I tried to find a titillating picture of the handbook I am going to read, but dang, the HUD website has no pictures of it's publications. dang. Oh well, you guys can just be jealous of me without the pic. :P

The problem with...

... Netflix is that you have to WAIT FOR THE NEXT FRIGGIN DVD!!!

I just watched the first disc of Lost, season 1. FUCK. I am SO hooked and I won't be getting the next disk for at least 2 days. I'm almost tempted to up our subscription a disk or two so I can have more of them on hand at one time.

How the fuck do people watch these shows on TV? I could not stand waiting a week for ONE episode. I guess I'm spoiled now, but I just cannot watch shows on TV anymore... I hate missing one (which I frequently do) and I hate losing track. So I just wait till they come out on DVD and netflix them. I wish I could afford to buy them.

Well, this is kind of a lame topic to whine about. LOL. But hey, even if I get the disk on weds I will have to wait till thursday to watch it. So yeah... sorry if you watch them on tv and waited a week... but I just can't wait that long.

Memory...

I love journal prompts. haha... so here's one. Describe a childhood memory in detail.

I was probably 12 yrs old. My mom was dating her soon-to-be 3rd husband. He had 3 kids of his own, 2 girls, one 12, the other 15 and a boy who was 9. We went to their townhouse at this huge apartment complex frequently, often spending the weekends there or whatever. So this one time, well into winter, I was out with the two girls walking along this big creek that goes through most of our city and it bordered the back of the apartment complex. The creek was frozen over, so we were walking on it. I think we were walking there because the oldest girl wanted to find a place to smoke. And I think they were testing me. They frequently spoke in pig latin (which, sheltered as I was, I'd never heard of) or otherwise did things to make sure I would not tattle on them. But this time I think they were testing me to see if I would tattle. I wouldn't have, as I was so desperate for acceptance back then. Anyway, Cara, the girl that was my age, was talking about trying out for track as she was a good runner. As usually happened, our conversation went the usual way, how I was not good at much of anything and how good these girls were... Cara was athletic, Terry was beautiful (so was Cara actually, but she wasn't interested in boys yet). Michele was neither athletic or pretty... just a boring nerd. I was trying to shrug it all off as I knew that indeed I wasn't athletic or very pretty, but you know that stuff really does hurt when you are a kid.

So we'd walked a long way on this creek, finally Terry decided that we'd get off the creek and park ourselves behind this shed in this one yard. No particular reason for choosing this yard... I think Terry was just tired of walking. We got maybe half dozen steps into this yard, when this guy bursts out the back door holding a shotgun!!! He starts shouting about trespassers, but I didn't hear much of what he said, because I'm already gone! One glimpse of that gun and I was history. The next thing I remember is Terry and Cara shouting for me to SLOW DOWN and their voices are far in the distance behind me. I am nearly back to the townhouse, and I slow down and look behind me, and the two of them are way way back there, running to catch up. Well, I slow down but I'm not quite willing to stop, so I keep jogging till I'm in the parking lot, then I finally stop and wait. When the two of them finally reach me, they are puffing and barely able to run. I'm only breathing hard a little bit. Obviously adrenaline gave me a lot more than I'd have had without the boost. lol... Anyway, the two of them look at me in awe, and Cara says; "are you sure you don't want to try out for track?". I laugh weakly and say "I don't think I could do it unless someone is behind me with a gun." We all laugh and head back to the house. But after that, Terry would tell that story about how I left them in the dust, after we'd just been talking about how fast Cara could run... but I not only outran them, I practically melted the creek, running so fast. I've never been able to repeat that speed, but then again, I've never had the incentive.

I don't know if that was a turning point in my relationship with Terry and Cara. They started including me in more stuff, and of course I never tattled. Eventually I started doing stuff with them, stuff I regret now. But the dynamic of our relationship never changed. There was always this sense that they were better than me because they were cooler, and I was just a square. No matter what escapades I got into, I could never be cool enough. But, Terry had multiple abortions before she finally carried a baby to term when she was 17. Cara got pregnant at 14 and had the baby just after she turned 15. That was when I realized that their lifestyle was not for me, and I started changing my ways. By the time I was 16 I realized that it didn't matter to me if I was "cool" or not... I did not want to be the druggie tramp that Terry was (she let the paternal grandparents take the baby, which was a good thing since she became more of a druggie), or the manipulative beyotch that Cara was becoming.

I don't think that I was ever better than them. I have made lots of mistakes in my life since my teen years... but I think I made some RIGHT choices, compared to them. I never got pregnant as a teen and didn't have to face that terrible choice of keeping or terminating the pregnancy. I never let drugs control my life. I didn't put my selfish needs ahead of everything else including a child. Last I saw Terry, she was barely able to work, so much of a druggie was she. Cara went through boys one after another, and shortly after graduation I heard she got shot in the shoulder by the man she was living with at the time. I joined the military, but got kicked out for getting fat (I allowed that though as I wanted out... that's a story for another time). When I came back, I got jobs that I held down for a long time. So I'm not necessarily better, I just made better choices. And I think it's because I was a square, and they were "cool".

Or maybe I'm just full of it. LOL

List the ways...

Until blogs, I never was able to keep any sort of journal. I never knew what to write. The whole "dear diary" thing made me feel silly... yet I really do think that journaling or blogging or whatever has some real value on a personal level. Anyway, some years ago, after the umpteenth attempt to journal, I bought a book called "List Your Self" as an attempt to find topics to write about in that failed journal. I decided to pull out that book again, because it's a toughie. Some of the lists make me work hard to remember things, others dig deep and make you really think. So, today I'm going to do a list.

List the ways you sabotage yourself from getting what you want.

1. I don't believe I deserve getting what I want.
2. I don't feel like I have the ability/skill to get what I want.
3. If I get what I want, I'll just lose it anyway.
4. Someone else needs it more than me.
5. if I get what I want, will I really be happy?

Yeah, I think that covers most of it. I'm pretty good at sabotaging myself. Have a lot of practice.

I don't want to do it anymore. So I'm putting this message out to the Universe:

I deserve to get what I want. I have the ability and skill. I know that I will value getting what I want and I won't lose it. I know that there's enough to go around so I can have what I want as much as the other person who needs it. Sabotaging myself leaves me unhappy, so if I get what I want, I will be happier than I am now, which is all that matters.

ch-ch-ch-CHANGES ~\o

sigh... we have a new director. She's cool. She was told to make changes in our department. Not a bad thing, really. There's some stagnation going on, and we could probably use some shaking up.

The bad thing for me is that she is doing a re-org, which will end up putting me under the supervision of someone else. And having me work closely with someone else... close enough that she'll probably have power to give me directions and stuff. These two people have, in the past, been my least favorite people.

The director wants us to be happy and productive in our jobs. I'm afraid that I will be more stressed out and less happy. But then my paranoid side wonders if OTHER people would be glad if I am stressed and unhappy... there's a lot going on there. I have almost 19 yrs in.... I'm hoping I can survive till my 20 yr anniversary.

One possibility... and I'm not pinning too much hope on it yet.. but with that one lady retiring, another person has been internally promoted to her position... leaving another position open. I am hoping I can qualify to apply for it, and move out of this particular office. And get a pay raise. That would be sweet.

why burn the bridge?

One of my co-workers is retiring at the end of march after working for the city forever. From all that she's said, she hates working for the city as much as I hate working away from home. But our jobs are about helping people, that's what we do. We get people the help they need to fix their home. For many people, we are their last, best hope... without us, their house gets condemned and they are on the street and the city has another vacant pile of a crappy eyesore.

Yet this co-worker... as her end day approaches she becomes more and more hostile. She is actively resisting and sabotaging another co-worker's attempt to learn her duties so that the next person can get trained. Every attempt we make to streamline stuff so that when we take over her duties (actually, we've already taken over at least 60% of her job just because she won't do it all anymore) we will have an easier time of it, she walks up to one of us and chews us out for doing it wrong... only to come back a few hours later to tell us oh, maybe we were doing it right after all... but SHE wouldn't do it the way we decided to.

But the worst thing is that she's doing a flurry of nasty "right to cure default" letters to people who are only 2 or 3 payments behind. Now, these letters are the last step before foreclosure. It has not been our policy to pursue foreclosure FIRST. Our policy was always to try to work with the client to find a way to get them caught up instead of foreclose on them. But her letters to them have been downright nasty, on top of the fact that she sent some of these letters to people who had already had a deal worked out!

Dude. I know you are retiring. I know you haven't liked your job. (though personally I can't understand why it's so bad, she hasn't done much work in the past few years, mostly surfing the net). But do you have to be so belligerant to the rest of us and to the clients? March 29 can't come too fast.

Our city is out of salt. Public works claims some is on order and they expect it any day. Believe it when I see it. Apparently the midwest has some sort of salt shortage too. By the way, our city is on the river. As in, river VALLEY. Half the city is in the valley, the other half is up the hill. A pretty big hill. Just because I work for the city does not mean I think it's all that. I think most of the city management are dumbasses.

long ago and far away

ha. FINALLY! finally remembered my log on information. Crazy. Took me all morning to get here. and I have nothing to post. LOL... but I'm back.

Hopefully I can get caught up on my friends' blogs too. I have nothing else to do today. It's fricken COLD and windy, and though I'm having horrid cabin fever, I sure as hell don't want to go outside.

I have some henna I made for this weekend, for a henna party that never happened because of illness and less than stellar weather... I'd like to decorate my hands a little with it. I wonder what my department's new director would think of that.